So… About The Dark Universe… A Mummy (2017) Review (Rant)

     I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. A long while. Its going to come off as ranty, it doesn’t matter. Shared Universes in film is chic now, and Universal Studios wants a cut of that Avengers money. This time with their horror properties. This is literally nothing new for them, they did this back in the 40s for Christ’s sake, but now they want to jump in with this version of The Mummy (not Dracula Untold ) to kick start “a new world of gods and monsters”

     Well it fucking sucks. 

     I don’t know where to even begin with this. I guess the movie at hand. 

     The Mummy in this iteration, doesn’t know what it wants to be. The tone is all over the place, thinking it’s the 1999 The Mummy, and An American Werewolf in London. One is an action film and the other a deeply macabre comedic horror film. 

     The Mummy fails on both counts. 

     The plot this time around involves Nick (Tom Cruise) being a scavenger who comes across an ancient tomb and his ass gets cursed. So he awakens Ahmenet (Sofia Boutella) who wants to cloke the world in darkness or some such shit. And Dr. Jekyll (Russell Crowe) is in. Seriously. He’s the head of a shadow organization that tracks these monsters. (Alright, that is cool).

     The first problem here is with the main narrative arch of Nick. This guy is supposed to be a scoundrel, a guy who has a corrupt moral compass. The guy does nothing throughout the movie to reinforce that trait. Nothing. There’s this supposed redemptive arch that made me laugh. What’s he got to redeem? Han Solo is a badder mother fucker than this guy. 

     The Universe building on display is just sloppy. Nothing comes off cheaper than an “organization” that keeps track of monsters and the like. Its sloppy because you can just throw in a bunch of references to other characters without any actual effort. Did the filmmakers really expect me to lose my shit because there were vampire skulls or the Gill Man’s fucking gill hand? Eat shit. 

     I do have to admit that Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll was an inspired bit of casting because he is Dr. Jekyll. I don’t think the man knew he was even making a movie. And as a side note, Jekyll was never a Universal Monster, but I love that he is now. Kind of. 

     One of the most confusing missteps was setting the movie in modern day. Who the hell thought that was a good idea??? The Victorian look and feel is what gave the originals that sense of dread and atmosphere since it seems so foreign, like a whole other world. I think it took ke around 15 minutes before I realized this this is supposed to be present day. That’s how muddled this movie is! How difficult is it to clearly establish your timeline?

     The Universal Monsters were one of my first exposures to the world of horror so this means everything to me.  The monsters ranging from Dracula to Frankenstein’s Monster were just so cool, creepy, and even a little tragic. It was the first shared universe on film, and man it was so cool to see Frankenstein take on the Wolf Man, I don’t care how contrived it was. 

     But this? This is so boring. I kept hoping that Universal studios were going to bring back the fun, and perverse joy to seeing straight up iconic monsters fucking each other up. But no. It’s all about that Avengers money. I’m not a fool, I know that this is how studios operate, but I was just hoping that there was someone in charge that had the same level of love, passion, and adoration that I have for these creatures. Because we all deserve better than this, fan or not. 

     Bride of Frankenstein better not fucking suck. 

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