The Bond Films That No Fan Talks About

     After reading through my 23 Bond film review I bet you were wondering, “Wait, isn’t there another Sean Connery one?” Yes there is foolish person, and we don’t discuss that outside of the Bond fandom. Why? Because it fucking sucks and is an embarrassment. Because I’m in a Bondian spirit, let me briefly introduce to you these monstrosities so I can move on in my life.

Casino Royale (1967):


     Good god, where the fuck do I begin with this shit? This is a parody version of the novel of the same name. This happened because author Ian Fleming sold the rights to novel, which then changed hands to producer Charles Feldman and wanted to do a straight up adaptation. But he realized that the only way to compete with the EON Bond was to make a funny movie. Except it’s not. Fuck man, it’s not at all.
     Let me try to simplify it somehow: Sir James Bond (David Niven) is now retired, M (John Houston) is killed, and Bond is next. So he decides to have 7 people code named James Bond (the fucking fact that that fan theory started from this movie is something I can never ever forgive) in order to confuse SMERSH. The fact that legends like John Houston, Peter Sellers, Woody Allen, and Orson Welles are in this poor excuse of a movie makes me sick. This thing had 5 directors on it. I’m not fucking around, 5 directors!!! I’m done talking about this, it’s not good, it’s not funny.

Never Say Never Again (1983):


     I’m going to go more in-depth in another post about the legal shit behind Thunderball, but basically this is just a remake of Thunderball. Connery came back to do this movie out of spite for Bond film producer Albert “Cubby” Broccoli, and it shows. In a way, I recommend seeing this movie because you’ll learn to appreciate the standard Bond film elements: The Pretitle sequence, the gun barrel sequence, the fucking James Bond theme, all that stuff.
     In reality all that could be forgiven if the movie wasn’t so fucking boring!!! Everyone gives a half assed performance, and no amount of checking out Kim Basinger (when that meant something) can save it. There is a fun (dated) video game duel that’s fun, but that’s it. I can understand fans skipping this movie, but I say watch it so you don’t take the iconic Bond elements fit granted.

     That’s it pretty much, the two movies that I’m ashamed to have watched, and owned, for many years. They work as curiosities, but trust me that’s it. The behind the scenes stories on both movies are more entertaining than the films themselves, and that’s just fucking sad.


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